Why I worry...

Honestly I think many women (and men) are born worriers.  
I was not.  
As a young child I was an extremely carefree spirit (just ask my family).
I had no fear,
or worry in the world.  

That all changed dramatically when I was 8 1/2 years old.  
A very close friend was killed in a car accident.
I was at my Dad's when it happened.
From that moment on I feared leaving my mom and my sister.
I would have panic attacks when they would leave even for a few hours.
Fear and worry overtook my mind anytime I was away from home or my family.

Fast forward a few years, when I was 14, another very dear friend was killed in a car accident.
I was at home this time.
A couple of months after the 2nd accident I realized that it didn't matter where I was.
Then I carried my fear and worry with me everywhere.
For the most part I hid it very well, no one outside of my very tight circle knew this was a struggle.
I would hide my tears when leaving on overnight trips.
I learned to cry without making a sound.

Two years later the man who had the greatest influence on my life, my Granddaddy,  
passed away after a long battle with various illnesses.

Again the fear and worry struck this time with a vengeance.  
On the outside I appeared to deal with it all well,
on the inside I struggled desperately.  

All I wanted was to have my fear and worry comforted.
I knew God but I didn't have a relationship with him.
He was just the person I asked why to all the time.
Why did he allow this to happen to me...
Why couldn't I be from a family with more money...
Why were my parents divorced...
Why was I not able to do this or that...

Soon college came and I turned from asking why,
to seeking comfort in other ways.
The first 8 months of my college career could have killed me,
but God watched over me,
he lead me away from that life.

He brought a constant source of comfort to me,
God knew what I needed and he sent that comfort
in the form of my favorite farmer.

As time passed God gently nudged me into a full blown relationship with Him,
where I find myself completely lost without Him.

Last night was one of those nights where I felt lost.
I couldn't get hold of the farmer on the phone,
it was late and the same old worries and fears started to rise in my heart.  
When these fears arise, panic sets in...

what am I going to do if something happens to the farmer,

what about our farmboys??

I have learned in these times I have to mentally stop myself,
and refocus on God.
Everything that happens is all part of His plan, 
and His plan is far better than ours.
And then I pray...
praising Him for His love,
thanking Him for our blessings,
and begging Him for guidance.

This the verse that plays repeatedly in my head during these moments

Philippians 4:6

do not be anxious about anything,

 but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving

 let your requests be made known to God.  (ESV)

Why do you worry??  
Share in the comments.

Until we meet again...


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